Tigerstar's Diary
by Tinfoil-Hats
Summary: When Jayfeather and Lionblaze accidentally find Tigerstar's hidden diary, all of the legendary villan's hilariously embarrassing secrets are about to be discovered. (Spoof/parody)
1. A Discovery

Sunlight washed down over the lakeside, glittering on the gentle water and warming the pelts of Lionblaze and Jayfeather. The two brothers were out hunting. Birdsong filled the air, promising plentiful prey. Soft white clouds scudded by overhead; everything was typical and quiet.

Little did the two ThunderClan cats know, today would bring possibly the strangest, most shocking discovery ever to befall the Clans.

"Hey, Jayfeather, what's that?" Lionblaze stopped walking. Something had caught his eye.

"What's what?" the blind medicine cat asked, coming to stand beside his littermate.

Lionblaze padded up to the edge of the lake. There was something lodged in the mud; he reached over carefully and tugged it free, then dropped the mysterious item onto the peaty grass.

Lionblaze wiped some of the mud off with a paw. Sloppily etched handwriting began to come into view. "It's some sort of book," he announced.

Then he froze, his fur bristling in shock. On the torn, filthy, crudely-bound cover were two simple words that nearly made Lionblaze's heart stop.

"**Tigerstar's Diary.**"


	2. Mayo

Heart pounding, Lionblaze flipped open the book. The writing inside was slightly smeared from the mud and water, but it was readable. Trying to control his bristling fur, the ginger warrior turned to Jayfeather. "You've got to hear this."

Jayfeather's ears twitched. "I'm listening."

Lionblaze took a deep breath and began to read...

"Today is May 2nd -"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait." Jayfeather cut him off, eyes round with confusion. "May? What's 'may?'"

Lionblaze shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe it's some kind of mayo."

"Mayo?"

"Mayo."

"What the Dark Forest is a mayo?!"

"I don't know!" snapped Lionblaze. "But I'll mayo you if you don't shut up and listen!"

Jayfeather flattened his ears. "Go on."

With a brief glare at the tabby medicine cat, Lionblaze continued reading.

"Today is May 2nd. i know this becuz because my daddy, pinestar, gave me a calender before he ran away to be a kittypet. it has pretty pictures of unicorns and butterflies and cats with wings. best of all, it's a 5-year calender, so it's really thick. once i slapped hawkfrost with it because he wouldn't listen to me when i told him that blueberry pancakes are better than chocolate-chip pancakes. if you look closely at him, he has a scar on his face because of that. But he tells everyone he got it in a fistfight with brambleclaw. Anyway, today was pretty eventful. I was trying to read Evil Schemes Magazine Issue #2000 in the dirtplace today, but bluestar walked in on me. i got really mad at her. After she ran off screaming and covering her eyes, i came up with a plan. I would lure her onto the thunderpath, where she would be crushed in traffic! MUAHHAHAHA! After all, how would i be able to live in the same camp as her after she saw me on the flipping TOILET?! How embarrasing! But my plan backfired when cinderpaw got hit by the monster instead. oopsie daisie. Oh well. to a villan, it's all the same."

Lionblaze glanced at Jayfeather, his eyes wide, but the medicine cat was staring into the distance, a look of deep concentration on his face.

"Jayfeather? Are you paying attention?"

Jayfeather looked up. "Hmm, what? Oh, yeah, I was. What came after mayo?"

Lionblaze's fur bristled. He grabbed the diary and started smacking his brother with it.

"Ow! Ow! Stop it! Lion - I'll pay attention, I promise!"

Lionblaze stopped mid-smack and settled back onto his haunches. "You'd better."

**Author's note - **I know the story isn't particularly funny or great yet, but the first couple chapters are usually like that. Bare with me, it'll get better. :P


	3. Love Hexagon

**A/N: I'm sorry it's been so long since this was last updated. I've been pretty busy, and when I've had time to write I've been focusing more on my other stories. ;-;**

**I'll try to update more often. As always, thank you for reading/favoriting/following/reviewing! :D**

Lionblaze cleared his throat and flipped open the book. He began to read again, his tail bristling at the absurdity of the sloppily-written words.

"dear diary,

Today is May 3rd and i have BIG NEWZ. today i met a beeutifull young she-cat with purple fur and glowing rainbow eyes. she sed her name was Starkit. she's a huge mary-sue and makes an average of 15000039495949 grammatical errors per sentence. I THINK IM IN LOVE! There's one problem though. firestar and graystripe and blackstar and five billion other toms are also in love with her! i don't know why she'd want to be with firestar though. come on, he was a KITTYPET and he doesn't like WAFFLES. i always liked blackstar though, he was a loyal follower. But i'm prepared to fight any of them for Starkit's affections!

after all, she's a KIT. it's not like there's enough of her to go around. Oh, btw, i think i read about sumthing like this in Evil Schemes Magazine #1050: the romance edition. i think it's called a LOVE HEXAGON."

"Wait, hold up." Jayfeather lashed his tail. "A love HEXAGON? A hexagon only has six sides. He said there were five billion and four toms after her, so -"

"Jayfeather, you're missing the point," Lionblaze stiffened. "Tigerstar was in love with STARKIT."

"So?" The blind medicine cat shrugged.

"Starkit. Of STARKIT'S PROPHECY. The one who said you were in love with a STICK?" Lionblaze's golden fur was bristling wildly.

Jayfeather paused for a moment, then his brother's words set in. "OH SWEET STARCLAN!" he screamed.


	4. Braille

Lionblaze turned away from his brother, who was busy having a spasm on the ground, and opened the diary again. He shook his head in an attempt to get the image of Jayfeather kissing the stick out of his mind, but he knew no brain bleach in the world could remove those pictures. Still disturbed, he began to read again.

"dear diaree, today is may 4th. i am wearing my favorite t-shirt today, the one that says 'my daddy went to twolegplace and all i got was this shirt.' i thought it woud impress Starkit, but she just ran away screaming. i guess that meens she dint like it much.

anyway, youll never gess wat happened today! I-"

Suddenly, Lionblaze stopped reading. Jayfeather was still rolling on the grass, clearly not paying any attention.

Frustrated, the ginger warrior thrust the book at his brother. "Why don't _you _read it?" he snapped.

Jayfeather sat up, his fur ruffled. "_What?_" he exclaimed loudly. "I'm _blind, _in case you hadn't noticed."

Lionblaze shot his littermate a smug look. "Don't worry," he flashed back, pointing to the pages of the diary. "It's been translated into braille."

Groaning, Jayfeather snatched the book from his brother. "Where'd you leave off?" he grumbled.

"You'll never guess what happened today," Lionblaze recapped, guiding his brother's paw to the correct place on the page.

Rolling his eyes, Jayfeather started reading.

"I peeked ahed at the pictures on my calendur! you know, the five year won?! omg, im so bad! i even drew MUSTASHES on the pictures of Mapleshade and Brokenstar! lol! And guess what else - "

"Jayfeather!" Lionblaze yowled, interrupting his brother.

"What now?" the tabby tom hissed. "You wanted me to read, so I'm reading. There's just no pleasing you, is there?"

"Jayfeather," Lionblaze repeated, his voice rising to a screech. "RUN!"

A dark tabby shape had just materialized a few fox-lengths away, and judging by the look in his eyes, Tigerstar wasn't exactly delighted to find two young cats nosing through his long-lost - and very personal -diary.


	5. Busted

Tigerstar lunged for the younger cats, his claws outstretched. Lionblaze yelped and shoved Jayfeather out of the way; the golden warrior slashed a forepaw at the ghostly tabby, but it passed right through his glowing fur.

Tigerstar drew his lips back in a snarl, his amber eyes blazing as he pinned Lionblaze to the ground. "You thought you could read my diary - er - _journal_ and get away with it?" he hissed. "You are **so **busted!"

Lionblaze struggled in his former mentor's grip. _He's gonna kill me!_

But Tigerstar didn't seem interested in bloodshed, for a change. He wheeled around, plucking his tattered diary from Jayfeather's paws.

"Let this be a warning to you," he snarled, glaring at the ThunderClan cats. "If I ever catch you nosing through my stuff again, your entrails will be at the bottom of the lake." He unsheathed a pawful of long, glittering claws to prove his point. "Understand?" the former ShadowClan leader demanded.

Lionblaze and Jayfeather nodded, eyes wide. Tigerstar stepped off the ginger warrior and stalked away, taking his diary with him. He glanced over his shoulder, still snarling, before vanishing in a swirl of light.

Lionblaze scrambled to his paws, panting.

"So what do we do now?" Jayfeather stared at his brother; Lionblaze grinned unexpectedly.

"Don't worry," he smiled, magically producing several identical diaries, one after the other, from behind his back. They landed in a stack at his paws.

"I made copies."


	6. Hospitalization

Lionblaze climbed onto the pile of diaries and sat down, tossing a copy down to Jayfeather.

"Now you'll have no excuse not to follow along." the golden warrior meowed brightly. His brother snatched the book, scowling.

Lionblaze quickly found the spot where they'd left off reading (before they were so _rudely _interrupted).

"Dear diary,

Today is May 5th. Well, i was going for my usual walk through the scenic landscape of the dark forest when...

i saw hawkfrost kissing starkit, underneath the mistletoe that night!

i knew i had to do something cuz i was so mad! my son was kissing MAI GURLFREND! How ungrateful, after i tried to teach the hopeless riverclan fleabag how to be EPICALLY EVIL like me! so i jumped on hawkfrost and pushed him off starkit (or should i say Gleamstar, she's so AMAZING that she got 2 be leader even though she was only an apprentice for 3.14 DAYS!) and i shoved the mistletoe down his throat! while he was choking to death we got into a SLAPPING FIGHT and i slapped him so hard he went flying into starclan! then i grabbed Gleamstar and we kissed. but while we were kissing, i heard bluestar's voice all loud and booming. She said, 'UGH WHAT IS THIS NASTY THING DOING UP HERE EWWW' and she chucked hawkfrost back down 2 the dark forest and he fell on me and gleamstar. Rite now i'm in the Dark Forest Emergency Room where Mapleshade is putting on my casts. i hope she doesn't find out that i drew a moustache on her picture 'cause if she gets mad, there's no telling what she will do."


	7. A Reason To Celebrate

Lionblaze continued reading, glancing down every now and then to make sure Jayfeather was following along.

"Dear diary,

this morning when i woke up i jumped off the operating table and ran down the hall, even though every bone in my body was broken. i had to make sure my baby gleamstar was okay!

i ran into her room screaming 'GLEAMY GLEAMY IT'S ME TIGEY ARE YOU OKAY?" but scourge was guarding the doorway. he was wearing a nurses outfit and he told me i couldn't go in there. but i didn't listen and i pushed him away and ran inside.

gleamstar was laying there all limp in a puddle of glitter instead of blood. i produced a broom handle out of nowhere and started poking her but she dint move. i started 2 cry. 'GLEAMY WAKE UP IM HEREEEE' i screamed.

but then scourge ran back inside and grabbed the broom handle and started whacking me with it. 'SHES DEAD YOU FOOL!' he shreeked.

'OMG MY BBY'S DED!' i yelled.

'GET OUT OF HERE, YOU IDIOT' scourge screamed at me still hitting me with the broom handle.

so i ran out of the hospital crying manly tears."

"Starkit's dead?" Jayfeather gasped, his sightless eyes growing wide. He jumped up, bouncing from paw to paw excitedly. "Do the thing, Lion!" he squealed.

"What thing?" Lionblaze asked in confusion.

"You know," Jayfeather cried. "Like when you pulled all these copies out of nowhere?"

"Oh!" Lionblaze grinned, suddenly understanding. He quickly produced an assortment of balloons, streamers, party hats, and a large frosted cake out from behind his back.


	8. Party Crasher

**A/N: Hey everybody, I promise I haven't forgotten about this story. It's been forever since the last update, 'cause life's been... life, but I'm here now. So, let us continue our bizarre tale of mary-sues, shocking disoveries, and Tigerstar's hidden diary! ;D**

And, thus began Jayfeather and Lionblaze's crazy-mary-sue-number-1-is-dead-party. They stuffed their faces with cake, went bobbing for fresh-kill, had pony rides, and even played Spin The Stick with some random hot rogue she-cats that appeared out of nowhere.

Once the party was over, Lionblaze flopped down, exhausted. His face was covered in cake, and his party hat was on crooked.

Jayfeather was just as tired, but for once, he seemed eager to hear the next page of Tigerstar's diary. "So, what happens next, Lion?"

Lionblaze sleepily opened the tattered book and flipped through the pages.

"dear diary,

i forgot what day it is, since last night i was so upset about my baby Gleamy that i shredded my daddy's special five-year-calender! and this morning, i was just as sad. i had six overflowing buckets labeled 'manly tears' by noon. You know i was depressed because not even the afternoon marathon of '20 Kits And Counting With Dustpelt and Ferncloud' could cheer me up!

so i decided there was only one thing to do. i had to find hawkfrost. he did kill her, after all. HE SAT ON HER!

so i marched into the forest until i found him. he was in the exact same place as he was yesterday, sitting on his own flab like it was a couch.

'HAWKFAIL!' i screamded. 'GET OVER HERE!'

'uh, that's easier said than done at the moment,' he told me. his flab was weighing him down. 'i knew i shouldn't have had that extra doughnut at the Villains Convention.'

'WHATEVERER!' i wailed. 'UR GONNA PAY FOR STEALIN MAI BBY'S LIFE AWAY!'

then i realized that rhymed, so i started to make up a song. i sang and sang louder and louder.

'Ur gonna pay,

for stealin'

mai bby's

life away,

it was not

her day,

but she passed

on anyway,

crushed by

a slab

Of Hawkfail's flab

I was gonna propose,

With a ring and a rose,

BUT THEN - '

'OKAY OKAY!' screechedded hawkfail. I guess he just couldn't stand my amazingly macho singing voice any longer.

'I DIDN'T KILL STARKITSTARPAWSTARGLEAMGLEAMSTAR!'

'what?!'

'SHE'S A CLAN LEADER! SHE HAS NINE LIVES! IN FACT, SHE PROBABLY HAS A MILLION LIVES 'CAUSE SHE'S SPECHUL!'

Suddenly, Lionblaze stopped reading. His jaw dropped open, and his eyes bulged. The diary fell out of his paw in slow motion, and hit the ground with a tiny thump that sounded like a bomb going off.

For miles around, all that could be heard was Jayfeather's sobbing.


	9. This Is An Outrage

"It's okay, Jay," Lionblaze gave his brother a comforting pat on the back once he had come out of his initial state of shock.

"No, it isn't!" Jayfeather gasped between sobs. "This is the biggest disappointment in the history of the universe! We thought Starkit - Starpaw - Stargleam - Gleamstar was dead, but she's _not!"_

The last word came out as a wail.

Lionblaze wiped his tears away, struggling not to burst into a melodramatic sobbing fit. "I know - I know." he murmured. Then he reached for the diary and flipped it open.

"Let's try to stay positive, man." he told Jayfeather. "Maybe Hawkfrost's butt just wasn't massive enough to kill her? Maybe she dies later on." Even as the golden-furred warrior spoke these words, he knew how ridiculous they sounded. If Hawkfrost's rear end wasn't enough to crush every single bone in Gleamstar's body to dust, then _nothing _could kill her.

Lionblaze placed a box of tissues in between him and Jayfeather and began reading again.

"dear diary,

it's been a week since i found out my bby Gleamy survived the accident, and i'm pleased to say our relationship is doing just wonderful. we're going on dates every single night, and... I'm even thinking of proposing 2 her!"

This statement produced gallons of tears from Jayfeather, but Lionblaze ignored his hysterical brother and kept on reading.

"...but that's not waht im writing about tonite. i found this thing called... THE INTERNET!

i looked up mai name and i cant believe whats happening.

there's VIDEOS about me on this thing. VIDEOS!

theyre calling me an awful father, and claiming that i hate firestar because he was singing a song from spongebob squarepants, and that last part is TOTALLY NOT TRUE. it was from DORA THE EXPLORER, OKAY?!

and that's not all! they're saying scourge and i were always meant for each other, and that when Tawnykit was born, i sang a song about her being an UGLY BABY.

HAWKFROST IS THE UGLY ONE, DUUUHHHHH!

this is an outrage! i know what i'm going to do about it, too. I'M GOING TO TRACK DOWN THIS 'HUMAN RACE' and tell them EXACTLY what I think of them!

my eyes are burning from all of this derogatory crap! NO ONE CAN STOP ME NOW!"

(DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...)


End file.
